Miaow

See that picture on your left? That's a gratuitous preview shot of Halle Berry in tight-fitting black PVC catsuit in the title role of Catwoman, that is, and it gets our weekend round-up off to a flying start.

First up, congratulations are due to Hammers boss Alan Pardew on securing his first win in charge at the club as West Ham ran out comfortable 4-0 winners over Wigan yesterday. Never mind that the opposition played most of the second-half with nine men and helped us out with an own-goal and a penalty, in the circumstances a win's a win. Also worth noting is the crowd, in excess of 34,000, was higher than all six Premiership games played that day. Like Pardew says, if we can use this to our advantage and get a good home run going we still have a more than reasonable chance of promotion.

While we're talking about football, the Poet Laureate is apparently after submissions for soccer-related songs, chants and poems. I've been working on one for our friends the Tottscum but I got a bit stuck finding something to rhyme with 'going down with the Wolves' - could any reader out there help me out?

Meanwhile, the first great single of 2004 will be released the second week in January - Take Me Out, the sophomore effort from Franz Ferdinand, is a funky, chunky classic that XFM are currently playing about every half hour around the clock. Given the current singles-sales climate there's a very real chance they could give Domino Records what would surely be their first Top 10 hit, as well as being the biggest breakout hit for a British guitar group since Coldplay's Yellow. An intelligent British pop band you can dance to? The New Year's looking up already. Btw, the FF's debut single 'Darts Of Pleasure' can now be downloaded in mp3 format from their official website.

In less happy news, Kevin Smith regular Joey Lauren Adams, perhaps best known for her role as the lesbian pursued by Ben Affleck in Chasing Amy has been arrested on suspicion of drink-driving. But even walking home has had its legal repercusions for another Hollywood star, as Yancy Butler, a sort of low-rent Denise Richards who validated the sexuality of Wesley Snipes and Jean-Claude Van Damme in Drop Zone and Hard Target respectively, has been ordered into rehab following arrest for 'disorderly intoxication'. If found guilty, maybe both girls should be forced to read the righteous 86 Rules Of Boozing. Cheers!

The talk of this year's cannes Film Festival was of course Vincent Gallo's The Brown Bunny, which was generally dismissed as an ego-stroking bore, with a controversial blow-job scene tacked on for good measure. Following re-editing, critics are coming round to the film, and it looks like Japanese cineastes will be the first to judge for themselves as it's readying for release there in January. The trailer can be downloaded from here (requires Windows Media Player and the perky appearance of Chloe Sevigny's right tit makes this NOT SAFE FOR WORK).

For one week only, this link will take you to a bit of kiss 'n' tell from Dawn Mackintosh (aka Summer), a lesbian lapdancer from The Honeypot in Maidenhead (stop sniggering at the back there), who makes some allegations of toilet cubicle fun with former Spice Girl Melanie B. Sample quote:"when she paid the £20 for a private show I took her by the hand into a booth, sat her on a black velvet chair and pulled the curtain around to shut out the world. Then the music began with a really loud raunchy beat. I moved towards her and flicked my hair at her face so she could smell my perfume. Then I put my hands on her knees and said, ‘I'll show you mine if you show me yours.'

"She was transfixed and I could tell she was getting as turned on as me while I gyrated in front of her. Then I whipped off my satin thong and her jaw just dropped. The company doesn't allow us any physical contact with the customers but I was dying to go somewhere even more private. So when Mel went off to the loo I followed a few seconds later.

We squeezed inside a cubicle and locked the door. God, I was so horny. I guided her hands everywhere but you could tell she'd done it before. It sent shivers down my spine. It's very different to when a man does it. She knew just where to touch. It was so good I was losing control. Suddenly we were grabbing each other's hair really passionately, caressing each other. Mel was so sensitive all over."

Gosh. What would Sporty Spice say? Whatever, I'm sure it'll show up soon on Menage A Blog which squirrels away lesbian and bisexual material from wherever they can find it from the interwebnet. But sapphic sensationalism isn't all that cyberspace can offer - Warp Records are making their entire back catalogue available for download from here. The service isn't free, but it's definitely a step in the right direction.

I recently picked up a hardback copy of Mason and Dixon by Thomas Pynchon from The Works for a couple of quid, which seemed a bargain, but I hadn't quite realised exactly how much value-for-money I was getting, as its about 760-odd pages long. I don't think I've read a book that long ever before in my life, but I'm going to make a super-human effort to complete it in time for Xmas. It's not a particularly easy read with many words abbreviat'd and plenty of Aberrant Capital Letters giving it an 'authentic' period feel. Lucky then, that 70-odd pages in, there's already been a surreal appearance of a talking dog and I've had a good chuckle on at least six or seven occasions so far, which is promising. It does feel like it's quite a challenge, though: I'm half tempted to ask people to sponsor me...

Right, that's all from me, enjoy the rest of the weekend. More updates as and when, including the much-touted (by me, at any rates) album review compendium.