Oldham? If You Say So, Love

Topless model Michelle Marsh (20) from Oldham was bemoaning her lack of a man in yesterday's News Of The World and advised her slavering fanbase that they didn't have to be loaded footballers in flash sportscars to stand a chance of winning her heart: intelligence though, was an absolute must. Now before you all get in a frenzy hunting down the poor girl's contact details, I think this possibly translates as meaning she'd be quite happy settling down with a Rugby World Cup player instead.

But she's right about you not needing to be loaded. Indeed £9.99 will get you a considerable number of dates with the flaxen-haired Lancashire lass with the less-than-run-of-the-mill 36FF charms. For that's all it costs to get hold of a signed 2004 calendar from Michelle's not-safe-for-work official site. Best to be quick off the mark though, as they're set to shift faster than West Brom striker Lee Hughes from a smoking motor car. If reports are to be believed, of course.