Mother Look Away Now, It's The Incredibly Sweary Caption Competition Results

Last week I set you the tricky task of putting a caption to this picture [left] of ex-Tottscum favourite Teddy Sheringham sunning himself with his girlfriend. Because let's be honest, if you're visiting this page, you've got nothing better to do, have you?

My friend Michele earned 'nil points' for her effort because it broke the cardinal rule by being quite nice about the Skeletor looky-likey. All that time in NZ consorting with sheep has clearly produced this woolly thinking. She's not even a Tottscummer, either. Tsk.

GoonerAndy2000 sneaks into fifth place with this effort - "ooooooh, if I close my eyes and really use my imagination this feels just like Glenda's (Hoddle) bum" - Sheringham reveals where his contract negotions went wrong with the (Tottscum) [entry slightly modified following reference to the latest UEFA guidelines -ed].

Ms R snatches fourth with the minimalist approach. How about simply 'I Feel Such A Cunt'? she enquires. Now that's what I call a split decision.

In third place comes Dr Headgear who libellously(?) suggests that Steady Teddy saves all his blistering pace for the bedroom: 'Teddyisacunt: "And they say I'm too old to last the full 90 minutes" Teddysgirl: "That was 90 seconds'.

Arseblogger has a crack with this effort: '"Teddy was shocked when he opened his eyes and discovered some girl had taken Big Leroy's sun-lounger" The casual nature of libel and malice in that one gets second place and a Champions League slot.

But clear winner is the inimitable Vicky Vodkabird with this effort: 'Sheringham: Come on, love, take 'em off - I don't want to be the only arsehole with a tan'. VV adds: 'I don't know much about football, but I know I can't stand that Sheringham'. Vicky, that's all you need to know about football, if you ask me. My marriage proposal is in the mail.

The comp wasn't as easy as it first appeared. My first effort simply added Teddy+baking sun to come up with 'Cooking Sheri'. I then tried to get all clever with 'Lobster crawls into dry crack' before going with the base crudeness of 'Teddy's girl: 'If only that extra yard was in his cock'. But I finally settled with 'Teddy regrets that his girlfriend is the only thing in his life not going tits up this summer'.

Thanks for all your entries and to Arseblogger for stirring up some interest in his forums. It may be something I'll try again on an irregular basis.