Last night I decided to stop in, which was clearly a wise decision as the entire UK population of desperate, sex-starved women were likewise indoors, seemingly masturbating while repeat-dialling to the Record Of The Year show, for this is surely the only logical explanation for an insipid Gareth Gates cover record winning, beating off limp competition from Ronan Keating and Will Young. Liberty X were robbed.

In a prize-giving weekend athlete Paula Radcliffe won the BBC's annual endurance test Sports Personality Of The Year and Keith Tyson won the 2002 Turner Prize wishing his nan a happy birthday as he did so. At last, a modern artist for whom even the Daily Mail can feel proud.

Oh, and Miss Turkey gobbled up Miss World. But, while we're being judgemental about beauty, I think I prefer her country's entry for Miss Universe, Cagla Kubat...