Tuesday, May 28, 2002

OK, here's my cut-and-paste guide to this year's contestants on Big Brother 3 -

Jade: Blonde, busty and gobby, Jade's been fairly irritating so far. But that still makes her one of the least annoying people on the show. The first to have a slanging match, to start some backstabbing and attempt some matchmaking, she may be favourite for this Friday's push but PV says keep 'er in. Even if it is because she might just punch Sunita...

Lee: Scary guy. Despite protests that he has a girlfriend, probably the most likely guy to make a move on one of the girls. Could be cracking up already, but in a dull way. Just about his only chance of staying in the house long is to shag Adele. He's probably worked this out already.

Johnny: When I first saw him, I thought he looked like a drug dealer. But apparently he's a fireman. The living embodiment of Sid The Sexist. Despite or because of this, probably one of the more likeable characters in the show. Four days in, he's already chewed his own toenail on national TV. Could be capable of anything therefore when cabin fever hits in. Could win.

Kate: Sporty kickboxer, Home Counties blonde, acts like she's slightly better looking than she is. Appears to fancy Alex like mad, may be deviously trying to matchmake Adele with Lee to minimise competition.

Lynne: Scottish mature student. Did this really annoying thing with her eyebrows when Sunita and Jade had their barney. Must have had a lobotomy the same time as her boobjob in a curious two-for-one operation deal?

P.J.: I have a major distrust of anyone who prefers to be known by their initials. Main ambition in life is to pull Natalie Imbruglia. Um...well...at least he's honest, I suppose.

Spencer: If he can keep it together through the show (and that's a big if) sensitive blue-eyed beer monster Spencer could have an outside chance of winning. And might even get a shag. Seems to need one.

Alison: Big black Birmingham lass. If she can avoid being too overbearing, could make it to the last four. Fancies Alex big time, I reckon. He's unlikely to reciprocate.

Alex: Male model. Blames 9/11 for overshadowing the impact of his ad for Armani. All the girls seem to fancy him. He couldn't give a shit, literally, as constipation takes hold. Given the high percentage of women and gay men who vote on this programme Alex has understandably been made favourite.

Adele: Bodybuilder from Stockport. If I was in the house, she'd be the one I'd go for. Bad news for Kate is that I think Adele fancies Alex more than she does Lee. Outside chance of winning the show if she resists the temptation to use the programme as a showcase for her 'rap' talents.

Sunita: Trainee barrister, trendy Lahndoner, way too self-conscious for a show of this nature. Judged on her arguing ability as demonstrated in her tiff with Jade, which deteriorated to a cheap pop that it was no use trying to reason with someone as young as 20 (Sunita is all of 25 herself), should probably be considering a new career anyway. Worth keeping in for a few weeks to see if she gets punched by Jade.

Therefore, up for eviction this week should be Sandy: Sandy's a great name for a labrador or Olivia Newton-John's character in Grease but not for any self-respecting bloke in his forties. Should have kept his powder dry with the kilt 'til later on. Has apparently brought in eight pairs of novelty specs into the house. For this atrocity alone, 'the jock in the frock' should be sent packing with immediate effect...

Related link: Helen and Paul from last year's show deliver their verdict on the latest 'crop'.

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