Sunday, November 13, 2005

Constant Craving

So you're telling me how nothing tempts you to go to the cinema these days, that you haven't been since the '80s and that comedy where Tom Hanks fell in love with his fish supper.

You're saying that if the multiplex isn't a new scientific method for gaining better, stronger orgasms, you'll pass, thanks.

You go on to explain what it would take to drag you out of your house and into a cinema on a cold, wet November night when Strictly Come Dancing's on TV.

A film about something, you say, other than the product itself.

A film where boy-meets-girl and then something interesting happens.

Not that you're totally altruistic, you explain, (a little unecessarily as you casually eye up the bar staff), if the two attractive leads get naked together a few times, that's all to the good as far as you're concerned.

If it's shown as being a necessary part of a long-term, loving, committed relationship all the better. You admit with an ill-disguised sigh that it might give your partner a well-timed prompt.

There's some other stipulations you'd like to make (clearly on a roll, now).

You want to go see a film where the ubiquitous Bill fucken Nighy is the worst member of the cast, not the best.

That means no gratuitous rap-star cameos, thanks.

Not even 50 Cent on the soundtrack, OK? You'd quite like to get yourself back home in time for the soccer highlights alive and in one piece, if that's all the same with me.

But you would like to see for once, some hotshot director living up to their potential by following up their celebrated underground hit with a credible and provocative film aimed at a wider audience.

You'd like to see a film that was fundamentally subversive in concept and execution, but filmed and cast in such a way that pulls in the middlebrow audience and gives them something to think about long after they've made it back to their 4x4.

You'd like to see a film that's just as comfortable dealing with personal politics as it is global concerns. A film that's able to integrate the two within an entertaining plot that works as an extended metaphor as well as clearly suggesting ways in which individuals can, and indeed should, make a difference.

You want a film that has that something to say but doesn't hit you over the head with it with all the subtlety of the Kaiser fucken Chiefs. You want a film that credits you with enough intelligence to figure some things out yourself.

Ultimately, what you want (as you glance nervously at the cigarette machine), is to see a film that makes you want to buy less, not more.

The trickle of spittle dribbling down from your mouth is starting to unsettle me, so I settle up the bill and give you my tip. 'Go see The Constant Gardener', I say, casually glancing at your midriff that's been slowly expanding ever since Tom Hanks tupped the scales, 'it probably won't change your life, but perhaps it should.'


Blogger Gordon said...

It's on my list already, hope it's as good as it could be (if you know what I mean, and judging by that post, you do!)

1:21 PM  
Blogger Dead Kenny said...

Gordon, I wouldn't say the film was flawless, but its' many rare virtues justify a trip to the flicks.

8:20 PM  

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